The Holt Conundrum

third september


It’s September and Holt is going back to college and I’m not.

It’s kind of strange, not going to school. Honestly, I miss it. I miss the certainty it brought in my life. I miss the sense of purpose I had. I miss being hopeful.

My job is fine, I guess, but it’s nothing like what I had in mind. I wanted to travel the world, covering insane stories. Instead most of the time I’m sitting in front of my computer at home, and when I do get sent somewhere to cover a story I usually just travel to rural America, talking with angry people.

I don’t mean that these people’s stories aren’t important. I just mean I wanted more from my life, from my work than just this.

For once I wanted my life to be defined by something I had control over. I wanted people to know me as that journalist. Growing up, people knew me as the twin. And then when I came out I was the gay guy.

But I guess that’s not about to happen now. I’ll stay the gay guy for a while longer.

It’s fine, I don’t mind it. I am gay. I just… I want to believe I’m worth more than just my sexual orientation. It often feels like I’m not though, it often feels like it’s the only thing I can bring to the table.

I hate thinking this, but being gay can be so disappointing sometimes. It’s more than just the stigmatisation and judgement and homophobia that comes with it. It’s the little things, like the way I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a love story like you see in the movies, or even just like my parents have, because I’m not straight. Sometimes it feels like wanting a grandiose love story is impossible when you’re gay.

All you can get is heartache and disappointment.

Or it’s mostly what I’ve been getting.

So while Holt goes back to college all hopeful and happy about his future, I sit in front of my computer and sulk.

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