Everything doesn’t feel real anymore. Everything feels so gloomy but that’s only because I’m still here in the room mourning over my father’s death when I should be asking myself, “why is Liz here?” I told Isaac to keep her company and to not leave her side.
Before I could question her, I feel her hands on my shoulders trying to keep me comfort.”I thought killing him would make the weight lift off from my shoulders.” I say in a whisper. I keep holding onto my father’s hand even if the warmth is no longer there because I’ll never get to see nor hear him again. I killed someone from my own family for the right reasons but why am I not feeling…free?
“I’m sorry.” Liz whispers. I let go of my father’s hand as I stand up, wiping my tear stained cheeks with my arm. After, I take in a deep breath that makes me want to wish I never cried for him. Like if I’m wanting my tears back. Crying over someone who was never there for me is probably a waste of my time but who knows. Maybe there was hope. Impossible hope anyways.
“Don’t be sorry.” I turn around to hold both her hands.”I did what I had to do.”
Liz slightly nods before pulling me in for a tight hug. I hold on tight to Liz, just wishing we could both leave and never come back here ever again. It’s all I want for the both of us.
“We should probably get going.” I say quietly. Liz pulls back from the hug first and holds onto my hand as she leads me out of the room. I look back for a second as my father’s lifeless body is no longer in view. My heart felt like it broke into a million pieces and maybe I deserve to feel the pain. I just don’t know if I should allow it. Maybe I should.
“You okay?” Liz questions when she notices my pace is slowing down. I look up at her and nod as a response. She smiles back and continues to walk down the empty hallway.Both of us make it to the front door in no time without me realizing it. I’m so caught up with these mixed emotions that I don’t even look at my surroundings. My eyes are looking at a door but my brain doesn’t see it as a door. It’s just a piece of dead wood in front of me with no name.”C’mon. We’re almost there.” Liz tugs me by the arm to get me to move.
“Wait. I, I need to grab something first.” I let go of Liz’s hand and begin walking to the dining area.
“(Y/n). Where are you going?” Liz looks back and forth between the front door and me, deciding if she should leave with or without me. I can tell she doesn’t want to be here anymore.”Wait. Hold up.” She decides to come along instead of being alone where someone can obviously see her.
“I know I need to let go but, it’s just…” I begin to tear up with so many emotions inside that I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling anymore.”He wasn’t there. He was never there for me and I did everything I could to make him proud of me. Anything to just…make him see me. Make him see that I am his daughter who made it this far in life. In the end, I realized that making him proud of me will not make me happy. If he could’ve just changed who he was, then maybe it would’ve. But I would’ve been waiting for the impossible to happen.”
“Did you ever tell him?” Liz walks alongside me as we walk to the room with jars filled with ashes. I’m so glad Liz didn’t ask what was in them.
“I did.” I say quietly. I walk into the plain white room with the single wooden desk in the middle. This room still creeps me out.
“And did he say anything?” Liz slides her hand across the desk, feeling the texture and seeing if there was any dust on her fingers.
I open my mouth to say that he did but maybe it’s for the best if I keep that conversation between the two of us.
My hand slides under the desk and I find the button my father pressed that makes a door on the wall open wide.”No. Nothing at all.” I lie to Liz and I feel bad but someday, I will tell her the truth.