We were laying in my bed together, both still in a happy daze. We showered together afterwards, and now, we were both snuggled up, warm, toasty, and clean. I was wearing nothing but underwear, while my pretty boyfriend wore a pair of my boxers and one of my jerseys. He was drowning in hickeys, I hadn’t even realised how many I’d given him until now. They were scattered across his neck, down his throat, staining his collarbone. I had a couple myself, but not as many as Theo – he looked like he had just been paint balling.

We were staring at each other from under the covers. I studied his face, his soft features, the smile engraved on his lips. “So?” I whispered with a grin. “Did I do a good job at taking your virginity?”

He giggled, pulling the sheets up to his chin, “You did.” He agreed. “W-Was…was it okay? For you?” He asked nervously.

I chuckled lightly, rolling my eyes, “You were amazing.” I told him honestly, grinning from ear to ear. “The best sex I’ve ever had.”

His eyes shot wide open at my statement, “W-What?”

I shrugged, “Yeah. Maybe it really is better when you’re with someone you really like.”

He shuffled closer to me, “Possibly some of the best sex I’ve ever had too.” He teased.

“It better be.” I joked, fiddling with a lock of his snowy hair, twirling it around my finger. My fingertips then trailed down his arms, running over the vague bumps and scars littering his wrists. He stiffened a little at the contact, but I kept him close and warm, trying to comfort him. “I’m sorry that I don’t understand.” I apologised, “I wish I did, but I just don’t.” I bit my lip, “Why did you do it? Did you want to die?”

He froze for a moment, then pulled his whole body away from me, sitting up in bed, staring down at me. “N-No.” He told me firmly. “No, I don’t want to kill myself.” He actually sounded bitter, like he was irritated by such a suggestion.

I sat up too, the sheets pooling at my waist, “Okay, I’m sorry.” I said guiltily, “I just read online that-“

“You’ve b-been doing research?” His brows deepened into a frown at my words.

I shrugged, “Well, yeah.” I replied incredulously. “You’re my boyfriend, I wanna know what’s going on. And I wanna what I can do to help.”

“Y-You can’t help.” He faltered, hugging his knees to his chest.

“I can try.” I countered, sighing heavily. “Theo, I didn’t mean to make you upset. I read all this shit about suicidal thoughts, and I was just worried.”

“Well, yeah, of course I-I’ve thought about it before.” He said stiffly. “Who h-hasn’t?”

“Theo, that’s not normal.” I told him wearily.

“Everyone’s thought about dying, Luca.” He contradicted. “It’s a part of l-life, it’s natural to wonder if things would be better if you just stopped breathing.”

“They wouldn’t.” I snapped. “Things wouldn’t be better. You’d be dead. That’s not better.”

“Y-You don’t know that.” He was actually trembling slightly. I began to wonder how things had twisted into something so dark so quickly.

“Theo, I need to know if you’re serious about this.” I whispered gently, placing a tentative hand on his shoulder.

“You’re not a therapist.” He shot back. I wasn’t sure if it was meant so sound harsh, but it merely came out as desperately sad. “Please, Luca.” He whispered, pulling his lime green eyes up to meet mine. They were glistening with tears. “P-Please.”

I took his small hand, leaning back down, pulling him onto my chest. Neither of us said anything for a while. We were sat in comfortable silence, laying in bed, Theo curled up at my side as I absentmindedly traced shapes on his back, running my finger across his spine. The thought of Theo contemplating suicide scared me. But I had to trust him that he was okay. He had his meds, his doctors, his parents. There was nothing I could do to help, other than just be there for him. And that was what I was going to do. “I’m sorry.” I whispered, “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

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